An illustration of the foolishness of consulting sons on dress codes

No one was looking to me, I hope, for guidance on the question of appropriate Chinese wedding wear. Here is a more or less verbatim transcript of today's messages on that topic between the son in China (J) and his mother (Plain Jane) in New Zealand. S is J's fiancee.

J: Sorry, black dress not really OK, neither is white

PJ: S's view?

J: Yes, I asked her. But now she's kind of flipped-flopped

PJ: Will find something else

J: S says that if it's OK in the free west then it's OK for her

PJ: I think if she's in doubt, I should avoid it

J: S is wearing white which is also wrong, so she says actually black'll be fine. And I'm wearing cut-off jeans and jandals, so whatever

[brief pause]

J: Black is OK, to confirm black is now OK

PJ: I might ask again nearer the time. I don't want to cause a stir or do something her friends and relatives might not like.

J: S is wearing some kind of fomal white dress (I guess you'd call it a wedding dress). As for me, I'm not sure anymore. I only have jeans and sneakers

PJ: Which means you will have to get a suit made or buy one. That's what people do, you know.

J: Hmmm. Hoi An [where we're all going after the wedding] is a good place for getting suits made, maybe I can buy one afterwards. If people know I am planning to buy a suit maybe thats enough ...

JP: Stop teasing S! Actually none of the stuff I had made in Hoi An worked out that well.

J: I can get a custom suit for $150 Sophie tells me

PJ: Yes, of course

J: Some ill-fitting rayon job, no doubt

[brief pause]

All scratchy

[brief pause]

Fire hazard

PJ: Get fine wool, you clot. If you get a fairly classic cut it should last a decade or so.

J: Sounds like a lot of hard work. Maybe I've bitten off more than I can chew ...

PJ: I'm now officially ordering S to clock you one!

Wedding wear

My son and his fiancee are getting married in October in Kunming, and, as luck would have it, the day J told me was also the day I bought a wondrously elegant black (yes, black again - and raspberries to you, Trinny and Susannah) Karen Walker dress. Second-hand of course. From Soup, off Courtenay Place.

This second-hand bent seems the most obvious point of difference between Plain Jane and The Thoughtful Dresser. Linda Grant has the means, opportunity and - just as importantly - the will to spend big money on fashion (and I use the term broadly to cover anything appearance-related rather than merely what's hot). Please understand this is no judgment on her character: I'm very well aware how relative these things are, and to a person living with several kids on a benefit in South Auckland, let alone in a third-world country, the amount I spend would be just as unimagineable. So there'll be no fingers pointed from this corner.

I don't have huge amounts of money, and the disposable income I do have must also stretch to tango-related expenses, travel and the usual books-movies-and-eating-out items. Plus, and this is crucial - I love a bargain. Love locating it and seeing how it looks on, and walking out of the shop feeling lucky to have got there first.

So back to the Karen Walker dress. The photograph I took doesn't do it justice. It's an elegant column of heavy crepe-like fabric (the care label has been cut off so I don't know exactly what it is, but it's certainly man-made). Sleeveless, with a high cross-over neck, discreetly asymmetrical with a side split. Cheong-sam inspired, in other words. A definite for the right tango occasion, and in style, if not in colour, surely perfect for a Chinese wedding. I asked J to check with S if black was acceptable wedding wear. And I could cheer it up by wearing red shoes and my flashy little red velvet jacket from Sydney. Which the afore-mentioned Trinny and Susannah would regard as the last straw. Under no circumstances will there be a hat.